"Should we go for lunch, Cris?"
"Not to the cafeteria though, supposedly there's cockroaches in the food sometimes."
"So what, I've eaten them before, they weren't too bad."
Cristina gestured like she wanted to puke.
I ate them in Thailand. We got trashed and ate frogs, then crickets, and in the end roasted cockroaches from a bag. I ate them on the way to our hotel. Then it became kind of weird and I threw them out the window.
The next day I flew from Bangkok via Vienna to Denver. Vienna was still all right.
The jumbo jet took off. I was looking forward to seeing Ludek and forgot all about the cockroaches.
Not far from Greenland I went to the bathroom. I needed to piss real bad because I always have to drink a shit load of beer beforehand in order not to be scared that the plane will go down.
I got in line and waited for my turn.
When I was three people away from the can, I had the piss almost in my underwear. I was fighting it. I could have said, people, let me go please, or I'll piss in my pants, but I didn't do it. Inborn shyness.
My anal muscles were holding on by their last strings.
Finally it was my turn. I let the anal muscles go. I felt an unbelievable freedom and relief…
After the marvelous feeling passed, I smelled something stink. Goddamnit, somebody had to shit here before me, nooo.
I reached down and found out that it was actually me who stunk. Watery shit was dripping down on my legs.
I immediately remembered the line of people waiting outside for their turn. I had to leave. I had to let them use the bathroom!!! Jesus Christ, what a situation.
I took off my underwear full of shit and put them in the toilet. I pushed the button. The lid opened and my underwear disappeared. I imagined it falling on somebody's head or car.
I washed my hands and in stinky pants, still with pieces of shit in them, stumbled out.
I could read one big question in the eyes of the waiting people.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE SO LONG???!!!
You wouldn't believe it, but I was flushing down my underwear full of shit.
I spent the rest of the flight in the line and only four ibuprofens eventually saved me.
"Are we going for lunch?"
From the book "Short message", release 2005